Category Archives: To Avoid
Indy IV – an actual review
The first scene of Indy IV is so shockingly awful that you wonder whether it was intended to be so. I suspect they filmed it right at the end knowing that the pile of crap they had in front of them might as well stink from the first frame onwards. That way you at least know what you’re going to expect. Hopes immediately crushed, you can then concentrate on snogging your date or enjoying silent popcorn burps. I suppose we should be grateful.
I’m not going to describe the particular abomination in question because some things should be experienced in their full, unanticipated splendour. Let’s just say that Lucas and Spielberg have opened their bladder over the Indiana Jones of yore and should both be arrested for a display of public immorality that even Binks rose above. Yes, you heard it right: Phantom Menace was better. Indy IV is a leaden, dull, dimwitted, tiring piece of cinematic Scheiss. If you are on the fence about seeing it, please don’t go. Do not reward their sorry arses.
New Cinemasochist Theme
Wow, guys, how did we miss this topic before? MARTIAL ARTS. And I’ll say it right now, this movie, Undefeatable, is the front-runner, despite what you Gymkata and Surf Ninjas fans say.
So, what are the worst Martial Arts films available on Netflix?
Cinemasochist Review: From Justin to Kelly
You asked for it, jerks. You made me watch From Justin to Kelly: the Tale of Two American Idols. And I watched it. And my wife watched it too, and my dog.
It was not the worst movie I’ve ever seen. Read the rest of this entry
Stick to the liberal rants, NY Times.
Read this. Possibly the worst advice on what to watch tonight. Stupid NY Times.
Cinemasochist Review: SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2
There is a list out there somewhere of life-altering experiences that each one of us should have before we die. Burn incense at Kathmandu. Visit the Grand Canyon. See the Mona Lisa.
Viewing SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 is not on that list. If it were on the list, it would be near the bottom, along with performing Cast Away style dentistry and having a Silkwood shower. This is the worst one I’ve had to watch so far, people. I know I say that every review, but this time I mean it: I really hate each one of you with all my heart. I mean, just look at that poster.
This film was far smellier than my twins’ diapers. Read the rest of this entry
BSG: Don't read this.
If you watch Battlestar Galactica, don’t click here. Seriously, don’t read the invisible text on that page. DON’T. I am not kidding you.
You’ve been warned.
Cinemasochist Review: A Sound of Thunder
I can see why some of you think that this review is a long time in coming. But you see, I have transcended all of your primitive notions of time. And logic. And taste. Yes, that is a monkeylizard in the photo. Read the rest of this entry
Cinemasochist review: House of the Dead
It was a nightmare. Blood, corpses, the stench of the dead everywhere.
And then I watched the movie. Read the rest of this entry
Cinemasochist review: Hercules In New York
File under: Schwartzenegger wrestles man in bear suit.
Movies that involve the Greek gods are always problematic. Clash of the Titans, Troy, you name it — they’re all fairly mediocre. Hercules In New York, a 1969 masterpiece and Arnold Schwartzenegger’s first feature film, seems to recognize this problem and confronts things head-on — by deliberately making the film as terrible as possible from the onset.
Some of you may recall the movie Scanners, in which people with telekinetic abilities make other people’s heads explode. Upon viewing Hercules in New York, I have become convinced that either Schwartzenegger or the film’s producer, Aubrey Wisberg, are in fact Scanners themselves, planted among us to snare the unsuspecting and make their heads asplode. Read the rest of this entry
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